Eerie episodes of Soul sucking silence
- Jewelya
- May 7
- 4 min read
Too many question how we got here.
Quite frankly, none of that matters.
Here we are.
I wrote this passage the day my group traveled to the Nova sites and Sderot. I have found myself reading it and not feeling ready to share. It was one of the most emotionally trying days I have experienced. There are many that do not feel a need to witness the atrocities that occurred on 10/7. I completely understand and respect that. Part of the deal with the volunteer trips to Israel is to talk about antisemitism on a global level, discuss the events of 10/7, be educated and share love together.
Now, hostages are finally being released! I feel and see a collective weight falling from our shoulders. There are still so many that must return and yet this goodness is so beautiful that happy tears escape with every video of a released hostage. Even when the releases stop we must hold on to the joy.
There is never a "good" time to share these thoughts, but I finally want to get them out there.
I suggest taking a deep breath..
In..2 3 4
Out... 2 3 4
This year has been full of hard days. If you've read previous blogs, you know why. I constantly am thinking about the tattoo I got back in April 2023. "Between the rain drops".
Since 10/7, it feels like the meaning has increased 10-fold. Every day we are doing what we can to just get to the next moment. Every day in Israel especially is a new day. Anything is possible.
This trip has been about supporting Israel, being there for a country that has gone through so much in 10 months. I chose to come to Haifa to help. I chose to put myself in the North where a war with Lebanon could breakout any day. I chose this because my people have suffered so much. I can come and help.
I can live with being uncomfortable and it is no sacrifice. I am home.
Today, July 24th, 2024, we "toured" the Nova festival site. We came to witness.
The solemn energy is dense. The grief is like the weight of a Mack truck on my chest. As I hear the music the wind makes through the wind chimes on these memorials my heart shatters. I smile a bit, thinking about how the families came together to commemorate their loved ones. Then, tears escaping through my eyes faster than I can catch. Each step feels too loud in this utter silence. Poppies everywhere demonstrating the blood, the sacrifice, strength, resilience. Seeing Israeli flags blowing in the wind where people were once dancing and celebrating life.
A music festival.
As we are walking, we hear the Israeli tanks "booommm" "booommm". It is not scary. It's not even alarming. It's an uncomfortable that you can't escape. It's an uncomfortable that you want to feel. It is emotional. The crazy ones are the ones that aren't emotional or uncomfortable. It is an emotional burden that we all carry together. Though some days our heads drop more and shoulders sag with the pull of the weight so strong. Yet, each moment is never taken for granted.
We were told "there is not post trauma, there is only trauma. We haven't gotten to the post yet". As we walk and view the sites post 10/7 it is HOT. It's an inescapable heat in Israel in July/August. It's hard to process the emotions and to deal with heat. Your body is struggling to regulate. Forgetting to drink water as your mind is consumed. My mind acknowledges this recurring thought “MY suffering for one day does not even compare to the suffering of the hostages, the survivors, families who've lost loved ones, soldiers at war, lone soldiers who came with no one here in Israel to protect our homeland, displaced families, etc."
There is a collective suffering around the world. So, I rub my wrist, and I hold my Chai and I think about those lost and what it means to keep living and loving.
It's the Israeli way.
It's the Jewish way.
You live with trauma and grief, and you love harder.
These photos are for those that cannot bare witness. As I write this memories arise to the surface again. While in the burned car memorial, or the care graveyard, there were people who operated it. One man had us come around to share a story. I wish i had written about it right away as now details have been lost in fragments. At this point, most of us were feeling the stifling heat and I felt an immense heaviness in my chest from the emotions. This father told us about his son and how he tried to survive as well as help his friends during the 10/7 massacre. Listening to a father talk about his sons last day. last few hours on this planet took all the air form my lungs. He was so stoic and talked with such pride. Though sadness is evident, the strength of the Israeli people is evident.
On the way back to Haifa, we stopped at Givat Kobe. he Sderot Lookout is a memorial for 4 soldiers killed during the war in 2014. Operation Protective Edge occurred in 2014 and was some of the worst fighting which was followed with more in 2018, 2020, and so on till 2023. At the lookout you can see in to Gaza and quite far into the dry hot land.
This day was the longest and most trying day we had yet. As it goes, tomorrow is a new day. We drove back to get ready for another day working with MDA.
Comments